This post is part of the ongoing Alphabet Series. Listen along to my recording on YouTube and/or read the article below ♥♀

I want to send a shout-out of appreciation to a few of my commenters on YouTube as well as a good friend in China who helped motivate me to get this post out the door. I’ve been thinking about this topic for a long, long time. I wrote a few related precursors back in 2015 (see my post on Transitioning, for example), and I think about a year ago, I officially started writing a more specific article about what I’ll get into today. I had put the article on the back-burner, but revived it a few weeks ago following some YouTube discussion, and it will become a two-part post in the Alphabet Series.

M is for Misogyny, but let me clarify. This is not about men hating women. That is a little basic, I’m sure you realize, and besides, I’ve addressed it before in other posts. Rather, I plan to talk about something that likely every aspiring and even veteran feminist struggles with at least once during her journey. And that is the distrust of, dislike for, disgust with and/or disappointment in other women and trying to reconcile what feels a lot like misogyny with the desire to live and promote a feminist life. And yet no one really talks about it – at least not in a productive, objective, non-blaming, and problem-solving way. And as a result, I think we lose a lot of women who would otherwise make rather spectacular feminists. But they simply can’t find the support needed to understand and process feelings that make them question their status in the movement.

So I’m going to attempt a productive, objective, non-blaming and problem-solving discussion of feminist misogyny in two parts. Part I will be focused on the question ‘why?’ and Part II will address the question ‘how?’ and I’ll be more specific once I dig in. I find that so many women get stuck on the easier or more basic questions of who, what, when and where when confronted with patriarchal issues. They can barely accurately answer those. Why and how questions, which I’ll admit are my favourites, are downright threatening and terrifying to women because you can actually get somewhere and even begin to straighten out the twisted logic in your mind if you try to answer them. I think why and how are crucial questions to ask when developing critical thinking skills, which of course, we are not taught in either formal education or in daily life unless we are very lucky.

Anyhow, welcome to M is for Misogyny, Part I, which I’ll give the second and longer title of: Why do I seem to hate women even though I believe in feminist principles? The Monster Inside Me.

There are some other good ‘why’ questions that we should all think about, as well, including:

Why can’t I have a frank and non-judgmental discussion of feminist misogyny and bad female behaviour, in general, with other feminists?

Why does it seem like women are worse than men when it comes to how they treat women?

Why does female betrayal feel worse than male betrayal?

Why should I devote my time and energy to people who seem to sabotage themselves and their own class, and who seem specifically to hate women like me because we don’t fall in line?

There are tons of ‘why’ questions, and you should never stop asking them. But you’ll find that most people won’t want to put an effort into pursuing them with you. You can always discuss them with me, however – like I said, ‘why?’ is one of my favourite questions. And I’ve finally decided to open comments on my blog and on YouTube, so feel free to drop a line. For now, let’s dig into some of the things that might help to answer our questions.

Early Programming

It doesn’t matter what kind of household you were brought up in, once we leave our protective bath of amniotic fluid, we are all swimming in the same toxic sea of misogyny. Patriarchy is everywhere, and it survives by crushing our independent female nature, our confidence, and our intelligence starting at birth so that we have no inclination to fight back. Instilling self-doubt and self-hatred in females is built into every aspect of our system such that it is impossible to see it for what it is without a great deal of thinking, observation, testing, analysis, questioning, and discussion. How many girls and women are encouraged to do this? None. Like I said, male domination depends on keeping females off-balance, ignorant and isolated. If you manage to get to a place where you can see how things work and how they work against you and all females, you have accomplished a great deal. But your next monumental challenge will be to find others like you so that you don’t feel like you’re crazy or defective.

Self-hatred always involves self-harm, and this kind of induced pain and suffering can become very emotionally and psychologically addictive. While women do self-harm constantly and in countless ways, this punishment inevitably leaks out to other women and girls. And there is the bonus of feeling good for hurting the constructed enemy, who really is a proxy for the self. So hurting other females, hurts the self, and the satisfaction from addictive pain kicks in. Punishing those at the root of oppression – men – is far too dangerous physically, sexually, socially, legally and economically, so women generally don’t mess with men. And besides, we are trained to feel guilty when men suffer, even if they deserve it. The bottom line is that when women hurt you, they are doing it because it is a safer form of self-harm than hurting themselves or males.

Forms of Harm

If I think about my own life, I can see the differences in what males and females have done to me. Men and boys were and are responsible for all the sexual abuse, most of the physical abuse, and some of the psychological and emotional abuse. Women and girls did and still do the majority of the petty and less tangible shit – the minor physical assaults, the emotional betrayals, the aiding and abetting of male abuse, and the psychological fuckery. Males inflict the stab wounds, which are deep, but mundane and predictable, and females administer thousands of shallow cuts, which are cumulative, inventive and unpredictable. So, it can, without analysis, seem like females attack more often and attack you where you live – meaning your mind. I think this is common for all females in the world, and it’s easy to conclude that women are worse to women than men.

There are individual differences in experience of harm though. Some women, myself included, had especially abusive mothers and grandmothers who did an exemplary job of fulfilling the role of patriarchal mother figure. Destroying daughters is one of the prescribed duties of a good mother. And although my father did his part in killing my soul, he tended to flit in, drop his man-turd, and then flit out, while mother seemed to inflict a constant barrage of emotional/psychological bombs that left me struggling with identity formation and self-confidence.

The Blind Spot of Awareness

Do you remember your feminist awakening? You know, the moment you realized that the world was actually quite different from what you had been taught? Did it come on slowly in drips and drabs for years, lapping at your consciousness until your knowledge cup was suddenly brimming and then overflowing? Or did it feel more like a strike of lightening that imbued you with a sudden ability to see things for what they were – total awareness? However it happened for you, what likely also happened, even if you didn’t realize it right away, is that you had some expectation that other women were also awake. You forgot what it was like not to see and know. Repeatedly, you were faced with evidence that the vast majority of women didn’t realize that the world was designed by men for men, and that they existed in subordination, and for the most part, willingly participated in their own oppression and the oppression of other women and girls. And you couldn’t believe that women could be so weak and stupid or ignorant. You forgot that you were one of those women once upon a time. This kind of thing also happens with experienced feminists who get annoyed when newbies enter forums and talk about what they consider to be ‘feminism 101 issues’ instead of something radical or advanced or new. People tend to forget that you have to learn to crawl, then walk, and then run or even levitate.

This isn’t unique to feminists. I’ve also encountered teachers and professors who forget what it was like to be a student and as a result, fail to teach to their audience by making assumptions, skipping crucial steps, refusing to answer questions, and finally crushing the enthusiasm of learners. Feminism is much less organized than our education system, so it is really hard for women and girls to learn about feminism in a supportive environment. So, it can often seem that experienced feminists don’t practise the very feminist principles they claim to espouse.

An Incohesive Feminist Movement

There is no single understanding of feminism, and this is the major weakness of the movement and why women will never be free as a class. It has gotten worse more recently with the introduction of intersectionality, the validation of identity politics, and liberalism. No other movement is so disjointed and contradictory. Women are exposed to people, groups or material that hold the feminist label, but the messaging can be about almost anything, including male-centric nonsense, and I think a lot of women end up confused, abused, and ultimately turned off of pursuing feminism.

What’s important to remember is that all women are colonized and damaged, even experienced feminists. We are all trained to hate women, and it can take a lifetime to try to shed our misogynistic behaviours. I’ve discussed before that I think it may not even be possible to fully heal from patriarchal damage in one’s lifetime, especially because it is next to impossible to remove oneself entirely from all its influences and to find adequate support systems. Because of this, no one can claim to do feminism perfectly, and some groups of self-proclaimed feminist women can end up creating a hotbed of anger and abuse aimed at other women. How could this possibly provide an educational, let alone a healing, environment? I’m not blaming women for this – it seems inevitable when you put a pile of badly damaged and justifiably angry people together without objective guidance or agreement on a single uniting principle. All of this is to say that I understand why a lot of women who want to support feminist principles start to question why they would pour their energy into such a toxic mess. It is hard enough for some women to want to help non-feminist women who seem to hate women, but it is easier, in some ways, to make excuses for those who seem trapped or victimized.

I’ll close Part I with the following. Feminist principles are worth pursuing, but like with all things, I recommend entering it without unrealistic expectations, ideals or hope. Keep your eyes wide open and always ask yourself why something is happening before succumbing to the monster inside, completely giving up on women, and deciding to walk away forever. And finally, always know your purpose – “Why do I believe in feminist principles and why do I want to do this?” And no one can create this purpose for you. Purpose is personal.

In the next post, I’ll address the how’s of this important issue.

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