This post is part of the ongoing Alphabet Series. Listen along to my recording on YouTube and/or read the article below ♥♀

Are you the proud owner of a virtue name? You know, names that derive from religious ideas of moral behaviour. There are some names that are more commonplace and parents may not really think about the meaning behind them when it comes time to assigning names to their property, but a lot of parents actually do want their kid to live up to moral expecations and thus choose a virtue name that may be especially relevant to their agenda. It’s magical thinking though, and unfortunately, our world is not in short supply of that.

Now, it likely won’t surprise you that female babies are more often the recipients of virtue names than males. This is because female behaviour is more controlled and policed and punished than male behaviour. As well, girls and women are also seen as the moral gate-keepers of society, and when bad things happen, such as upticks in male violent crime or the perceived breakdown of the nuclear family, it is usually blamed on out-of-control, amoral females. You know how this goes – somehow, whether or not a girl crosses her legs when she sits in public has massive power over male self-control.

As well, the virtues that females are supposed to uphold are very gendered, and therefore mostly unrealistic and unnatural. We expect girls to be quiet and sweet and accommodating and careful and the perfect doormats. When males are virtue named, they are allowed names that will give them glory and public respect. And in some non-English-speaking cultures, parents will even go so far as to arrogantly give their boys the names of gods and prophets, which, in my opinion borders on breaking their own blasphemy laws.

You can find female virtue names in most languages and cultures. In English, our most common and obvious of the female virtue names include: Hope, Faith, Grace, Patience, Prudence, Felicity, Constance, and of course, our longed-for feeling of pleasure and happiness:

J is for Joy.

I don’t find it surprising that names like Joy are common in English-language cultures, especially the US and Canada. Anglo-North America is the land of forced displays of daily exuberance and the over-medication of widespread female depression. I’ve travelled through and lived in several places in the world, including where I live now, and I’ve never seen anything approaching the insane North American drive for women to display feelings they don’t feel. I’m currently living in a country where the women are positively allowed to be downright assholes, and there is no requirement to smile. Not that I want to be an asshole, but I certainly get sick of the Cult of Positivity back home. You may have some insights into your own culture or cultures where you’ve spent significant time, and I’d definitely appreciate any details you’re willing to share in the comments of the YouTube reading of this post. Happiness mandates may look different in different places.

Let’s talk about two aspects of forced joy: smiling and happiness.

Smiling

Say cheese. Smiling is mandatory in North America, especially if you are female, and even complete strangers will remind you to put your face together or will ask you what is wrong if you’re not smiling. On more than one occasion in the US, I’ve even had homeless men tell me to “Smile, honey. It’s not so bad.” as I walked by them on the street. I guarantee you that no one says that to men walking by. Your smile has to be of the right kind, however. There are unspoken rules about what a woman’s face should do in public. Not only have I been chided for not smiling, but I’ve also gotten into trouble for having what was interpreted to be a sarcastic smile – you know, the kind that has the power to emasculate men because they think you’re laughing at them.

Other cultures are not so neurotic. I remember when I was studying in France several years ago, our textbook did a little cultural comparison on smiling. They put public professional photos of American and Western European university professors side by side, and the difference was incredible. The Europeans either weren’t smiling at all or only had a slight upturn to their closed mouths. The Americans all had toothy grins. Were the American smiles and happiness real? Who knows? Most people can actually fake a Duchenne smile or what we call a ‘real smile’ with the eye crinkle. Perhaps the question is not whether the smile is real, but whether smiling is an indicator of joy or whether it is just a culture-specific behaviour without much meaning. The smiles may be disconcerting to outsiders, but I find the scowls of Asia and Eastern Europe to be off-putting as well, even if they, too, don’t mean anything.

Now, strangely, smiling is also a racist, sexist requirement if you work as a teacher in non-Western countries. White female teachers are absolutely required to smile constantly even if smiling is not a cultural custom. In China, I was reminded to smile and be positive, even while I faced classrooms of completely blank faces. It took a while for me to get used to this lack of response while at the same time, I had to over-respond, and to an introvert, it was exhausting to force energy into something I wasn’t feeling at all. My experience in Asia completely changed the way I compose my face and I wrote about this back in 2016 in “How I Lost My Smile“. I think I used to be more of a natural smiler, as far as women’s behaviour can be natural in this world. But Asia kicked it out of me; daily misery accompanied by forced displays of happiness brought my wasted energy to the forefront of my thinking.

Happiness

In North America, regardless of how we compose our faces, we women are expected to be happy 24/7. Interestingly, women and even girls are disproportionately overmedicated for depression, and we have drug, alcohol and over-eating problems that speak of the kind of escapism that results from deep unhappiness. I think there are three things going on here.

A. Inherited depression. The heritability of clinical depression is about 50%. For severe depression, it is thought to be higher. I’ve known a lot of depressed women, and I’ve seen a common theme in what they think will solve their problems. First, they think going to a new place will give them a fresh start, and of course, they discover that problems live within them and aren’t place-dependent. Secondly, so many women think that having a baby will make them happy. And of course, that doesn’t work either. I am of the unpopular opinion that people with mental health problems should not breed. I mean, I’m an anti-natalist as it is, and I don’t think any woman is either natural or healthy enough to affect a child positively. But if you have serious problems, you risk passing those problems on to your children, and you probably aren’t going to make a great parent anyway because of your issues.

B. Patriarchal depression. Even though the world acknowledges that females suffer from depression more often than males, it is written off as some kind of female weakness. It’s biological or something. Yes, major depression can be inherited, but what about the majority of women who seem to experience chronic, low-grade depression? You probably know what I’m talking about. This is not the depression that prevents you from getting out of bed. This is the general and almost constant feeling of being low, that there is something wrong that you can’t escape. It is usually just passed off as ‘female suffering’, but which I believe is wholly unnatural. I don’t think that suffering is a necessary part of the human female condition. I argue that Patriarchy causes widespread female suffering, forces women to accept it, and then forces women to pretend to be happy. And in countries such as the US and Canada, where the pretending has to be over-the-top and very public, what female wouldn’t be depressed simply because of sheer emotional exhaustion?

C. Misdiagnosis and pathologizing. This is a huge topic and other feminists tackle different aspects of how the medical industrial complex hurts women. What I will say here is that depression is often a symptom of something bigger, not an illness in and of itself. But, it is treated as an illness. Women and girls reacting negatively – and I would say normally and naturally – to Patriarchy are seen as sick. If you, as a female, don’t embrace your role as a male plaything with gratitude and joy, then you are sick. Instead of removing the XY, which is the parasite or infection causing the depression, doctors pathologize you and pump you full of medication. But the problem is never solved, and you can’t figure out why you are so defective. Personally, I think your depression is a sign that your body and mind are behaving normally and naturally to an attack. It’s just that you will never be validated, and the true problem will never be correctly named or dealt with.

In conclusion, I propose a new set of virtue names. Tomorrow’s girls shall be called Separatist, Emasculator, Truth, Judgment, Child-Free. Aren’t these valiant and idealistic qualities for our future-builders? And, while I jest, are these names any more ridiculous than calling a girl Prudence or Chastity or Faith or even Joy? And if you think they are, then maybe ask yourself why.

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