Blog Archives

A Lone Woman in the Woods

I know if I read the title I’ve assigned to this post, alarm bells would go off. Rape. I’d be waiting for the rape story. I am a lone woman and rape has never been far from my mind since I was a teenager and was alone in most of what I did from day to day. I learned from an early age what it meant to be a female that did most things in her life alone – sometimes by choice, sometimes, not. Tracy Chapman, one of my absolute favourite folk singers, unfortunately grouped us girls into ‘good girls’ – those who moved around quickly in groups – and ‘fast girls’ – those of us who walk alone and who got raped and beaten and disappeared by men and boys. There is almost the implication that the latter are looking for trouble, and deserve what they get. I kind of hated her for that. I’m neither fast nor bad, and I certainly neither look for trouble nor do I deserve all the rapes and assaults by men of all races I’ve experienced as a lone woman and especially as a white woman. I love you, Tracy, but fuck you.

[Brief rant, get ready, or get out now while you can;)]

Many of you are likely partnered and you have no idea what it is like to have to do every fucking thing in your life alone. It’s not always a choice to be alone, but neither do I want to have to call someone every time I want or need to leave the house, ffs. [I was told endlessly in China after being stalked for weeks and threatened with rape by a black man on my university campus, that I should never leave my apartment by myself. Not possible, even if I wanted to, which I didn’t because I wasn’t the criminal.] The non-alone don’t know what it is like to have to plan every single thing you do around what could possibly happen to you because you are alone. If you travel, you are likely travelling with a male master, or children, or other family members, or maybe a friend or friends. Mothers bitch constantly about the struggles of being a mother, but they are so fucking protected by their brats. They have no idea #!$@ If a rapist or thief or kidnapper is going to target a woman, who is he going to pick – the bitch with the litter of pups with her or the lone female? Which will be easier to deal with? Men are opportunists, picking off the ones no one will miss. Breeders don’t know real danger even though they think they do or they wax poetic about how ‘dangerous’ things are for them. They’ve chosen to be mastered, to fit into society, to get the economic, legal and social tit squeeze and ass pat that society and their family gives them for spreading their legs, so the only real danger they experience is from the master they enslave themselves to. There is a lot of coat-tail privilege one gets when signing on for motherhood and/or hetero slavery. I say coat-tail because no woman is truly privileged. I stand by that. But you become privilege adjacent simply by orbiting a man or using your cunt the way it was ordained by males. When you are alone – whether it is because you know you aren’t mentally healthy enough to have a lesbian partnership thanks to years of mom-abuse and the subsequent distrust you have for women you make yourself vulnerable to, or whether you just never met someone you could envision partnering with, or whether you just don’t believe in the male-designed concept of long-term monogamous entrapment – you have a very different experience of the world. Despite what heteros and especially breeders say, lone women don’t have it easier. The so-called freedom comes at a massive price. You are economically much less well off than the average breeder and hetero enslaved. Jeez, I was looking at the median family incomes that idiot American liberals published a week or two ago to try to show how whites and blacks are different economically, and I was drooling at the median black income. I’ve never even come close – and I have 3.5 university degrees. Being white and female and not attached to a male always has meant fewer opportunities and less pay and more expectations that I’ll do volunteer work or work for free – I think the assumption is that all white women have husbands and don’t need to work (um, 1950’s much…?) therefore you don’t need to take them seriously in the job market. I probably have gotten pushed or guilted into working for free more than any non-white woman or any male, for that matter. (I just was told again recently that I should find some unpaid work. Why do I have to work for free but everyone else deserves a pay cheque???) Further, for some reason – probably the same one I just mentioned, I am always harassed for money by a segment of the population (all non-white men, and even some non-white women) that has more earning potential than me, even with less education. So being alone and a lez and white and a woman sucks the big one economically. And you are always a target for men and boys physically and sexually. Even indoors. Even in your own home or what passes for one. But outdoors??? It is always there.

Rant finished. Thanks for persevering.

So “A Lone Woman in the Woods”. For me, it smacks of a rape story, but today, no. This is a story of positivity, the beauty of simplicity, the power of a lone woman and the collective power of women through the ages – power that has been stolen by men – that that lies waiting in all of us still if we wish to harness it once again.

Today, I hiked a redwood and eucalyptus forest that lies a mile from where I am staying temporarily. I am Canadian and although I detest my country on so many levels, there is something essentially Canadian that lies in me that is tapped when I go to forests. Most of us don’t live near the ocean even though so much of our land is bordered by ocean. The greatest percentage of our population is lake- and river-situated. And we are tree people too. The forests define us. The ocean is mildly interesting, but inspires a healthy fear in me. It is a river or lake and the forests that typically go with them that speak to me on a primal Canadian and human and womanly level. Some of my relatives are freshwater (Great Lakes) fisherfolk, and I myself have spent much quality time travelling by canoe, camping in untouched forest land, and fishing. So entering this beautiful forest today was pure bliss. The thought of men and rape and intimidation and violence, as usual, entered my mind and settled in at the back, on the edges. But I allowed the smells and colours and textures and the history of women and my people take over.

Women have always been stewards of the forest, and nature in general, in the past. [Sorry, aboriginal North American peoples don’t have the corner market on nature stewardship, as much as modern Canadians and Americans are brainwashed to believe. Women from all cultures have always had a healthy respect for nature until men overruled them and ‘civilized’ them.] Before men stole medicine from my foremothers and banned them from knowledge, branding them witches and devil worshippers, imprisoning them, torturing them, tearing their female parts off or apart, killing them, and destroying or erasing years of wisdom, they were the Wise Women. The healers, the midwives, the abortionist-saviours, the repositories of forest wisdom, the herb and mushroom collectors, the pain relievers. Men became suspicious, then felt threatened, and finally said NO. Women are not allowed to have the independence of body and mind that exists separate from male control and that is deeply rooted in nature, the forests and water bodies. Men decided the forests were not to be cherished and guarded, but exploited – much as women’s bodies were exploited. Men brought death to the forest as they brought death to women through rape and endless pregnancy and ignorance and house-bound slavery. They cut the trees down. They burned down forests to deprive enemies of their bounty. They used women’s bodies and forests to fuel endless wars. To no end. Completely useless and pointless.

If a woman is raped by a man in a forest will the entire nation protest on her behalf…?

Much of that body of medical knowledge has been lost to Western women. Some groups of women were luckier. The knowledge they collected lived on in Traditional Chinese Medicine, for example. But the Wise Women of western countries were decimated and replaced by the male need to cut and bleed and dissect and drug, and although their modern ‘medicine’ lives on today, it creates more illness than it cures. Older cultures sneer at Western Medicine, but it is male medicine. Our ancient wisdom – our female wisdom was mostly erased. I’d bet that we did a lot of things better.

This lost history impressed upon me as I hiked unmolested through the forest. I breathed in the scent of trees and sun and wildflowers. I only ran across two people – both women – and I wondered if they felt the collective female history in the background. Probably not. Heterosexuality beats sensitivity out of you, in my experience. But I will be going to that forest every day for the next 10 days that I will be in this area.

Jane Siberry, one of my favourite Canadian singers, was the background music for my journey today. I’ve had the privilege to hear her sing three times in small venues in Vancouver back in the day. Two of her songs have been featured in the beautiful all-woman death-ritual scenes on the L-Word (Anytime) and Six Feet Under (Calling All Angels – thanks for the reminder, Radfemspiraling). The song I heard today in my mind and heart was Bound by the Beauty. It is such an essentially Canadian song and a song of woman-joy. And the nature-bonding is an aspect of Canadianism that I can get on board with. Enjoy the lyrics and videos (clear studio/audio version and a live version that is less clear) at the bottom.

♀️ If you care to support Story Ending Never, we are appreciative. ⚢

I’m bound by the fire
I’m bound by the beauty
I’m bound by desire
I’m bound by the duty

I’m coming back in 500 years
And the first thing I’m gonna do
When I get back here
Is to see these things I love
And they’d better be here, better be here
Better be here

And first I’m going to find a forest
And stand there in the trees
And kiss the fragrant forest floor
And lie down in the leaves
And listen to the birds sing
The sweetest sound you’ll hear

And everything the dappled
Everything the birds
Everything the earthiness
Everything the verdant, the verdant, the verdant
The verdant dream

live version

Nature and Nurture Entwined

This is a post discussing how our current slave system has resulted from both biology AND socialization and how you cannot separate one from the other. Get ready.

Back when I was a wee lass, ingesting all sorts of psychological theory from books and experts, I came across the (imo) annoying and dated nature-nurture debate. At the time, I felt it was a ridiculous argument. Reducing complex human behaviour to either biological reality OR socialization – and ne’er the twain shall meet! – was too simplistic. But camps there were. I felt perhaps, at least in psych textbooks they were presented in such a way so that a moron could understand the basic principles. And I figured in the real world, no one actually reduced the origins of phenomena to one or the other.

And as far as the debates went, honestly, I thought we’d gotten past dichotomous thinking in the last century. Nope, our male masters can’t think in complex ways, hence reductionist and erroneous thinking. But most reasonable people, who number in the minority, seem to agree that most human conditions were a combination of what you were born with and how that set of attributes or qualities were enhanced/stunted/mutated by social and physical environment.

You could look at mental disease and personality disorders, for example. One might be born with a predisposition for schizophrenia or psychopathy, but if and how and when it manifested would be tempered by the conditions you were exposed to in your life. And you could apply this idea to pretty much any condition, disease, or behaviour. Interplay seemed to be the way things were going. It made sense, of course, to a budding methodologist who never in her life designed less than a two-by-two-by-two (as well as randomized double blind placebo control) study and well understood interaction effects as well as extraneous variables.

But I was wrong. It wasn’t until starting to dig deep into a feminism that was always shouting in the background for me all my life, that I saw stubborn dichotomous camps set up once again. For cripes sake!

Biological essentialism (due to Nature/evolution or some penis-swinging imaginary god-dorkus) and its diametric opposite, socialization, are two major camps in the war on women and conceptualizations of gender. I discovered that idiots, which comprise the majority of the population, believe in essentialism – men and women are born to do and be certain things with men on top and women as slaves on the bottom in all ways. And this essentialism, as I said, is explained as either ordained by some fucked up god, or as ‘nature’s way’. Determinism. All right and good. Any deviance must be corrected in some way.

And then there is the other camp: intelligent, well-meaning and deep-thinking women – our radical feminists. But I don’t entirely agree with their standpoint that socialization accounts completely for how things are for men and women. I’ve tried to understand that point of view. Really. I’ve really tried. But through my studies and research and personal reading, I just can’t get there. I do think psychology and behaviour are much more complex than that. I think socialization is a very strong influence, indeed, and our world is as fucked up as it is because society is comprised of sick fucks who brainwash children to be demi-gods (male) or fuck-slaves (female) as soon as they’re born.

But to explain WHY this happens and indeed, how we got there in the first place and why we can’t manage to budge it significantly no matter how hard we try? Well, I think socialization doesn’t take us all the way on that.

As unpopular as this is going to sound, I truly believe that those sick fuckers – men – those who constructed and maintain with an iron fist and dick the sick fuck society we have, are born with nasty tendencies. I also think that women are born with tendencies to be more collaborative and fair and empathic, and to see a bigger picture and act accordingly. And of course there is variation within male and female groups, but by and large, men stole the power they have through their natural, biological tendency to be vicious, violent, sadistic and greedy, and they’ve refused to change for the better over these 10,000 years. They’d have changed if they wanted to, yes? They don’t want to – what they created and maintain suits them just fine. They thought about what they wanted, tried out an approach that suited their violent nature, it worked, it felt good, and they’ve kept it going – like forever. When they coined the saying: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”, they were referring to how things worked for them. Not women.

I don’t believe, however, that women are born to be slaves. I believe, because women are more humane by nature, that they’ve fallen victim to violence from the start and put up with it in order to survive. Dissenters are effectively silenced and crazified – there has never been a critical mass willing to go against their nature and adopt male tactics in order to change their status. To regain our power as a class, we would need to rise en masse and violently take back what has been stolen. There is no other way out of the deep hole we exist in. And I think women aren’t willing to become men in order to be the women they were born to be: free of male violence and powerful in their own peaceful right. You can’t gain peace through violence. At least, we’ve never seen it happen the way men have done things. Perhaps women could make it work. But it will never happen.

Definitely not a popular viewpoint, and yet on I go. Feminists, although well-meaning, are still trying to be nice to the oppressors. To be fair. To garner support. To compromise. To be liked, ugh… Even though they are wrong in their theory, and even though sucking up to the oppressor never actually works. By giving men the benefit of the doubt, which often takes the form of: “You’re not naturally violent – you’re just suffering under patriarchy like women do. We will try to believe this even though you somehow came up with the idea that you should violently enslave women and somehow can’t manage to change despite thousands of years having passed and despite millions of women protesting this treatment” – women shoot themselves in the collective female foot. Nice doesn’t work when you’re talking to people who just don’t care.

I think of feminists such as Gail Dines. She is a classic panderer to men’s need for victimhood status. I love her work on pornography and her bravery in speaking out in public, until she starts in with her ‘men are hurt tooooo’ schtick. She creates a false equivalency between “men are unable to form intimate relationships” (boo hoo, like they care) and the fear, degradation, erasure of personhoood, and bodily harm (and so much more) that are an ever-present danger for all women and reality for many. These are hardly the same. Men started porn, men believe they are owed porn, men demand more and more violent and truly frightening porn, and men deny the harm of porn, and thus they keep the industry surviving and thriving and expanding. They are not victims in this, and I don’t feel sorry for them. I think there is more going on than socializing to account for the enthusiastic perpetration and eroticization of atrocities such as porn. This is not just socialization at work. If this were the case, assuming that children and animals are subordinate to women, you’d posit that women would develop their own porn industry where they rape or abuse children and animals in order to assert dominance as mandated by our beloved patriarchal system. But women don’t do that. Men do, though. There is something in the biology that predisposes men to violence and dominance and the sick enjoyment of it. And somehow, I doubt a matriarchy would see men’s and women’s roles reversed. The few matriarchies that have existed functioned quite differently and more fairly than anything men have come up with to date.

I think the idea is that by subscribing to a ridiculous extreme view that gender must be 100% socially constructed, feminists try to ensure that women don’t get branded as natural slaves when suggesting that men might actually be brutes or have the very real potential for brutehood from birth. I get it. Men have a hard time with logic, and I can imagine them saying something like, “so it follows that…” From a more intelligent, female perspective, I don’t think it’s in any way an inevitable conclusion to say that women are natural slaves – there is no evidence that women gravitate to slavery naturally. Slavery is achieved through physical, sexual and psychological violence. And this unnatural state is easily achieved when the targets are naturally good-tempered, empathic, and unwilling to fight back violently. Period.

I think you can say that a violent nature that allows one to achieve dominance also allows one the freedom to be one’s true self, whereas behaviour enforced by a violent oppressor is not natural behaviour at all. That’s not to say males who are naturally inclined to be violent can’t be socialized to be better humans. They can – remember biology and socialization work together. It’s just that they’ve created a socialization process that rewards their natural qualities.

For women, the opposite is true. Natural inborn propensities for positive social behaviour such as empathy or fairness are not behaviours that can win in a violent society. Rather, they are abused. They are ridiculed. Know that these behaviours are not submissive, but actually a different kind of power – I would argue a better power. They just can’t overthrow a deeply-ingrained, violent power without a critical mass, and likely without violence either. In addition, the socialization process created by men also ensures that a set of submissive behaviours (including supporting and giving a free pass to violence), which are not natural in women, are learned at early age. In this way, men can be natural and are rewarded for it, and women behave unnaturally and are (sort of) rewarded for it as well, or are less punished than when they don’t submit. And when one’s natural tendencies deviate from the norm (sissy boys and ‘butch’ girls), there has always been a price to pay. Men and women have gotten around this to some extent by trying (and failing) to change sex. Both are fueled by patriarchal misogyny.

Some argue (i.e., MRAs and their cockpuppets) that if we turn things around and allow women to behave naturally and socialize men out of their natural violence, we are ‘taking away their natural rights’. That argument only holds if a) male violence against women is considered a ‘right’, which it is not, and b) that new system actually took away men’s actual rights in the way that the current system takes away women’s rights. And it wouldn’t. Whereas now, by allowing men the power to be natural and violent, women and children are greatly harmed. But removing genderized socialization and by giving women the power to be natural and pro-social AND free from men, men are not harmed. Only worshipping violence causes harm. Pro-social behaviours are good for everyone and lead to a more productive, intelligent, progressive society. The only ones arguing to keep violence and harm are men and women who come from very abusive backgrounds and can’t let go of heterosexual programming. Strangely, neither seems to want peace, freedom and progressiveness. The big question, though, is: can boys and men be socialized out of their violent natures, and can girls women be socialized out of accepting slavery without question? For male people, I seriously doubt it. It may work marginally with the less psychopathic and aggressive boys, but you’d have to have a complete system change for this to even have a chance of working. I’m not optimistic about that because males are already allowed their natural selves as it is, and we can see what they’ve created for themselves. Being naturally violent, they react to attempts to change this with more violence. To socialize them to be humane would go against their natures, and women have tried this for centuries with no success. I mean seriously, look at how bad things have gotten. We live in a world where violence, especially violence against women, is considered sexy shit. You can’t fight violence with intelligence. For the female people, it’s easy. Remove the negative socialization that comes from men and male dominance, and they will be natural women. Free, non-violent, confident, competent, intelligent and good-natured. The problem is that we won’t see this unless all males are removed. Unfortunately, that will never happen. We are stuck with negative socialization into a state of unnaturalness. And while women’s natural tendencies fight constantly with how they’re socialized, being naturally non-violent, any protest to slavery can’t overcome violent overseers.

I’d like to see radical feminism revised to account for a more complex explanation of human behaviour that takes into account that oppressors have more freedom to be their natural selves and that the oppressed cannot express their natural selves unless it is an exploitable quality (e.g. care-giving). And in that way, we can employ both nature and nurture in explaining how patriarchy started and the purpose it serves, how it is maintained, and how it can never be overcome unless the oppressors’ tools are used. And then finally, we might have part of what we need to dismantle it. Current simplistic theories are neither adequate nor accurate.

Not Afraid of the Bears

I hate the city.

Sure, there are moments. Moments when you realize that there are certain things only a city can offer you. Like you’re tired of the ubiquitous Chinese food where you live and tired of your own home cooking, and crave some semi-authentic food from another part of the globe. A large city can provide you with that. You are also more likely to find open-minded people who like to use their brains and who eschew traditionalism and religion. That is harder to find in smaller places.

But I still hate the city.

I grew up in Canada. I have lived in most of the largest cities there. Having lived in large Chinese cities, and spent time in Los Angeles, New York, Tokyo, and London, these ‘tiny’ Canadian cities are villages in comparison.

I’ve also lived in plenty of smaller places. I deliberately chose a small, relatively isolated, Canadian town for my undergraduate experience. It was mostly for research opportunities and to get the hell away from my abusive, NPD mother, but I have to admit that the kilometers of forest, lakes, and fresh air called to me.

Similarly, when I went to grad school in the US, I chose a very small town – still for the research opportunities – but there were mountains and forest in close proximity.

I’ve also lived in the Yukon in Canada’s North. Pristine rivers, lakes, forests. Pure air. Silence. Anti-intellectual and cliquey, but nature reigns supreme there.

In all of these places, hiking and other outdoor activities were a given – one of the perks of living there. But I didn’t take advantage of the locations as much as I could or should have. Afraid of bears or other wild animals? No, actually. There are plenty of things you can do to co-exist with animals that, for the most part, aren’t deliberately looking for you.

In all these places, I was afraid of the men. The existence of men, and the threat of attack or rape is what kept me out of the forests and hiking by myself. Men are the only animals that will deliberately hunt you down or opportunistically target you, and hurt you for pleasure.

I remember, as an undergraduate, one day enthusiastically heading off onto the hiking trails in the forest behind the college. There had been reports of bears, especially at that time of year. But my thoughts weren’t on them at all. Within minutes of starting my hike, I was plagued with doubts about being in the forest alone, and then, as if reading my mind, out of nowhere, men on mountain bikes took over my trail. Scared the shit out of me. Men, in a group – scariest thing on the planet. A panic attack resulting from knowing that they could do whatever they wanted to me with impunity turned me around towards the safety of my research lab.

At that time, I forgot that there is no safety indoors either. Like all women, while I’ve experienced a lot of harassment, violence and sexual assault in public, all of the violent rapes I’ve experienced have happened in my own bed at home or indoors while travelling. This is women’s experience, women’s reality.

Will there ever come a day when a woman can leave her home and not have to feel afraid?  Will there ever come a day when a woman can stay in her home and not have to feel afraid? Just the threat of what can happen is unacceptable. The threats are based on reality and they have power. They do.

It’s not the bears we have to worry about.