If you want to be a good and effective feminist (jeez, I really need to let go of that word, as it is meaningless today), you have to let go of making exceptions for men. We women are trained from birth to forgive males all their trespasses, give males the benefit of the doubt, give males second chances (and then third and then fourth, ad nauseum), teach males how to be human and allowing them to make their mistakes on our bodies; be patient with their neanderthal ways; keep our mouths shut when they inevitably trample our souls, bodies, and rights into the mud; defend all the shithead males in our lives when they hurt some woman (including us); and most importantly, beat the living shit out of outspoken women who point out male abuses and who demand that something be done.

It is tempting to allow them into our lives because the basic and superficial benefits are manyfold. For most women, males allow a better standard of living than would be possible on one’s own as a woman. Males are also tapped into the Old Boy’s Network, and jobs can be had by orbiting this network as some males throw women a bone if they can’t think of a male who would be suited for the job. Males may also provide services such as moving heavy shit, fixing electronics or toilets (which women are fully capable of learning how to do themselves, by the way), intimidating unwanted outsider male advances or exploitation (aka ‘protection services’), and a whole host of other jobs that males made up to pretend they are absofuckinglutely necessary in our world. So most women keep males around simply because they have created a system and set of beliefs where women don’t do as well without them. Note that women do better psychologically without men, however. That point is never pointed out in the heterosexual world.

One of the other things that makes males more attractive to keep around is the fact that women gravitate towards men and servicing them rather than cultivating serious female friendships. It gets lonely out there and even if you want female friendships, they are very, very hard to achieve, especially as you get older, if you are not in a traditional workplace or school, if you’re are not straight, and if you don’t have children. Some women might consider interacting with men simply to have people to sort of talk to (if it is possible to have an equal give-take conversation with a male. It’s not, imo.)

I wrestled with this very issue the other day. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I am extremely socially isolated right now, despite living in a place where I have to share amenities. I barely socialize here, partly by choice and partly because nobody seems to be interested in the few middle-aged or older women living here. So recently, I got back into meetup dot com, which I had been using in the US before The Virus hit. There isn’t a heck of a lot going on for obvious reasons. I just joined a French convo group, although all meetings are online, which is less interesting. And I found a group specifically for people who deliberately don’t have kids. I contacted the organizer to ask whether they were holding any events. The organizer is a young male. We have a few similar interests, including language-learning. Upon writing back, he mentioned that people hadn’t showed much enthusiasm once The Virus was in full swing. And after some online back and forth about languages, he suggested that we could meet one-on-one for an outdoor coffee. I let a few days go by, my instincts, experience, and what I would consider a moral commitment to feminism (female separatism) wrestling with my need to speak to an actual human in person for more than a few minutes in a social context.

Here’s the thing. Males are soooo fucking hard to talk to, in general, once you’ve started deprogramming. Even the ‘nice’ or ‘smart’ ones can be so overbearing. I almost always feel soul-sucked, dominated, and that I have to spend so much more time listening than I get to contribute in the way that men feel they deserve to contribute. I reasoned with myself that it wasn’t worth it to risk being soul-sucked at a time when I am soul-hungry. And of course, sticking to the principles I’ve committed myself to as a female separatist is important. I know I am practically alone in this. Women sell out all time time and become collaborators in patriarchy and misogyny, and reason that they do what they do to ‘survive’ (most of which is usally absolute fucking bullshit, in my opinion). So I may suffer consequences in terms of brain atropy and potential connection-making in a town where I have no connections and barely speak to anyone, but I have to stick to my guns. For me. For women. For principles.

Long story short, after not responding to the invitation for a length of time bordering on rude, I slithered out of a coffee meeting with finesse and a believable excuse. I had learned from the best after all my years in China. The Chinese are expert excuse makers and contract-breakers, and constantly make excuses for not doing what they actually commit to. I think I’ll occasionally talk online with the group organizer about language and other innocuous things until the group feels safe in reconvening once more. Most of the group is actually female, which is inspiring and the only reason why I joined in the first place. One of the only good things about being in the West again is that you can actually meet women your age who are deliberate non-breeders. I didn’t meet a single adult non-breeder in China. They may exist, but they are rare.

Anyhow, before I devolve into an alcohol-fuelled rant about China, I’ll close with this: when it comes to males, it seems you have to weigh your pro-female principles against what you consider to be survival. On many levels, all males are the same – never forget that. The idea that ‘this one’ll be different’ is a fairytale we tell ourselves to justify the easy road we take. They will feed off you, even if it is subtle, and all benefits you think you are getting come at a cost. You make connections with them at your own risk. And of course, every single thing a woman does is political and affects the status and freedom of all other women. Collaborate with men, and you prevent anything from getting better for all women. Really simple, but hard to accept.

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